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How to Let Go of Things That No Longer Fit You: 11 Steps to Acceptance and Forgiveness

How To Let Go Of Things That No Longer Fit You - Polaroids lie on a table after a break-up or loss in all different colours taken with a Polaroid camera
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I have mixed feelings sitting down to write this post. My most recent loss still feels too fresh to allow out onto a page, but that, in a way, is why I wanted to write this post so early. I wanted to write from inside the storm, to be caught in the emotional whirlwind you might be in if you’re reading this. So, if you are trapped there, know we’re there together and that today, we’re going to learn how to let go.

Change is inevitable and without it we wouldn’t grow.

A volcano rains fire and creates destruction and loss, but its path leaves the land nourished and fertile – more apt for growth than it could have ever been before. It’s scary, but life would be mighty boring if nothing ever moved.

What we’ll talk about today is how to let go so that you can make space for that growth and move on, peacefully. And this will work for any kind of loss, it needn’t always be a person. It could also be a job, a habit, an era, an opportunity, a part of yourself, a home – anything. Loss takes many forms.

“To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and go on their own.” – Jack Kornfield

Never ignore your feelings

I’ve put this first because I can’t express how important this is. In any emotional situation, especially one with as much pain as loss brings, the most important thing to do is to feel your feelings. It sounds obvious, but suppressing and bottling our feelings is a very common defence against pain.

This defence can have many side effects. We end up teaching ourselves that it’s negative to feel. Eventually, this can extend even to good feelings, so that in the end, we feel nothing but numbness, and this limits our growth. Recognising and feeling your emotions is the only way to grow. Those are messages that need to be heard.

Every time we force the lid back on our emotional jar, it gets a little more full. Eventually it becomes so full that the lid doesn’t fit – the lid flies straight off and we find ourselves hit with the explosive force of long unfelt emotions.

So make sure you’re taking time to listen to your body. Talk it out with a friend or family member, write your feelings down, express them however suits you best, and see a professional if you need to. Learning to share and express your pain is the key first step in learning how to let go.

You are not your emotions, you just experience them

This is a tricky lesson to learn. Especially when we find ourselves in times of upset, it can be easy to spiral with our emotions. We attach tightly to them because, in times of change, our blazing emotions are the clearest, most consistent thing we have. When we’re at a loss, our emotions become a haven for us where we feel truly understood. And whilst, as I’ve said, feeling your emotions is of utmost importance, becoming them is not.

You experience your emotions, but you are not them.

Your emotions are real, but they are not reality.

Every emotion you feel is valid – every single one, every single time. But, it’s important to also stay in touch with what’s going on around you, to stay grounded and level-headed. It’s advice you’ll see again and again in this blog, but talking it out, writing or recording your feelings will help with this. Having to put your thoughts in order, to explain them, explore them, and even get a second opinion will help keep you on the straight and narrow.

Feel grief, not pity

I recently watched a fantastic little talk from Russell Brand (whose YouTube channel I highly recommend!), where he spoke about the difference between pity and grief. And I can put it no better than he did, “grief is a journey, pity is a destination”. Self-pity, whilst natural, isn’t sustainable for us, nor is it helpful.

When we fall into states of pity, we blame the world for having hurt us and reject all responsibility for the power we have in how we handle it. We may not have power over what in our life changes, but we do have power over our perspective which allows us to control how it changes us.

Somebody once told me that you must never let your pity party go on for longer than an hour –  I live by that.

Focus on abundance

When things go wrong and we feel down in the dumps, we focus on the negatives – it’s only natural. We feel, so deeply, the loss in our lives that we concentrate on it, forgetting and dismissing the abundance of positives around us.

Focus on the good you have

Say you’re going through a breakup. Of course, you’re going to focus on the loss of that person. But also, around you, are all the other people in your life who you can now give more time to. You have opportunities that may not have been on the cards before. You have more time for hobbies, for learning about yourself, chances to meet new people.

Maybe it wasn’t how you wanted life to go, but it is how life is going so you’ll need to make the most of that, sooner or later.

I recommend making a list of the positives around you, all the things you’ve learnt that you didn’t know before and when you can, all the things you’re grateful for – bonus points if you can include some of the things you’ve lost (eg. I’m grateful for all of the memories and lessons I experienced in that job, even though I don’t have it anymore). Keep this list on you and refer back to it whenever you feel lost or hopeless.

Reroute your energy

Looking at the list you’ve made, start doing little things to bring more of these things into your life. Take baby steps. Reach out to a friend, spend a little bit of time doing something you love, sing to your favourite music and when you get a little more energy, dance to it.

Keeping all your energy cooped up inside (you might feel like you have no energy at all, but I promise you, there’s always some there) can leave you feeling frustrated and restless. Finding somewhere positive to put this energy will help you start to feel better and connected  to the world again.

Remember you’re still whole

When we lose things we held dear, it can feel as if a piece of ourselves has been lost too, but this isn’t true. The loss might cause us to change, but even still, we’re still whole, still complete, still ourselves with the same integrity. And we get to keep the memories of a time that was. We can still visit the person we were and the things we had in our mind. No matter what you have or haven’t, you’re still you, always.

Avoid playing the victim

Victimhood is difficult to speak about without belittling what someone’s going through. Telling someone to stop acting like a victim can seem insensitive and mean. But, in many situations, we do have a choice in our perspective and how we move forward. To me, that’s nothing but empowering.

Much like the pity parties we spoke about earlier, victim mindsets are comfortable because they allow us to believe we have no choice or ability to get ourselves out of the rut we’re in. We feel safe in our sadness, even righteous in it, we blame the world for hurting us and putting us there. But that will never get us out.

You’re the only person who can heal you.

Stop fantasising

One of the ways we keep ourselves trapped in these mindsets is by fantasising. We relish in faux-control by playing it the situation, or alternative versions, out in our head over and over. But this only encourages us to drag our feelings out, to elongate our suffering and to pretend, again, that there is nothing we can do but sit and watch.

Acknowledge these thoughts when you have them, but try to catch yourself with a gentle reminder that reality is as reality is. Write these thoughts down or share them with someone. Putting them out into the world makes it easier to stop them looping in our minds.

Learn to forgive

This is the most pivotal step in learning how to let go. Forgiveness can be really complicated. But it can also be really easy. I think, often, that it’s completely misunderstood. Forgiveness is not something you give to someone else for their benefit. It’s something you give to yourself. It’s how you free yourself. 

Without forgiveness, you’ll hold onto harsh, cold emotions, resentment and destructive mindsets. You’ll carry that blame and anger with you into the future where it’ll continue to do more damage.

Forgiveness isn’t an admittal that anybody’s right or wrong – it is only forgiveness and will to move on. In order to forgive, you need to tell the person, situation or whatever it is you’re forgiving, that you do. If you can’t speak to them directly, you could write them a letter, although it needn’t be one you ever send. When I use this technique, I loosely follow the template of:

  • “Dear…” Make yourself write down exactly who or what this letter is to and try your best to picture it. Try to hold that picture in your mind throughout this process, it will help you attach everything you write to whatever you’re forgiving.
  • “Thank you for…” Say thank you. Let it know that you’re grateful for any goof it brought into your life and for everything it taught you. Get specific here, because this will help you become more compassionate towards it which will help you release any regret or resentment you have.
  • “I forgive you for…” Let it know exactly what you forgive it for and recognise that whatever you need to forgive exists. Sometimes things can hurt so much that we avoid ever really accepting that it exists – this will help you do that. Beyond just the situation, forgive it for not being able to be in your life anymore, forgive it for not meeting your expectations. Forgive it for absolutely everything.
  • “And I forgive myself for…” – let it know that you also forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for anything you did. Forgive yourself for holding onto it, for having expectations, for any anger and resentment you may have shown. Forgiving yourself is just as important.
  • “I hope that…” Say goodbye with good wishes for it in the future. Let it know that you hope it does well in the future. If you can do this, you’re walking away without any anger or resentment left. You’ll cement the distance you’re placing between you and walking away compassionate and most importantly, free.

When you’re done, you can do whatever you’d like with your letter. Burning them can be fun and a little dramatic, just be careful!

Release the emotions

Whilst it is important to feel your emotions, it’s also important to use the tremendous amounts of energy they bring with them. Reroute that energy into something you love. Create something, write something, paint something or just talk it out. Exercise is a great way of doing this.

Learning how to let go is a long process. Whilst there’s much you can do to learn how to let go, it’s also in the hands of time. If you walk away with anything today, it’s to stay compassionate and to remember that we’ll all be okay, no matter what. We’re in it together.

The only way is up. Love, Ella-Rose xx

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16 COMMENTS

  • Elizabeth Hartley

    Beautifully written post! So nice to read!

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      Thank you so much!! I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂

  • Sophie Wentworth

    Beautifully written and such a great and valuable post. Remembering you’re still whole is such a great tip x

    Sophie

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      Thank you so much! It’s so so important and one of the greatest lessons I think you can learn. Thanks for reading 🙂

  • KD

    Great read. It can be difficult to let go of things that are no longer serving a purpose in your life. We’ve all been there. But you make several good points that one should think about to get through it. And you’re right forgiving and/or thanking yourself one of the most important pieces of acceptance and moving on.

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      Thanks so much! It’s something everyone has to go through and I think it’s such a great place for growth and learning 🙂 Thanks for reading!

  • Paige

    This post is so beautifully written! And some great tips.

    Paige // Paige Eades

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      Thank you! I’m so pleased you think so. Thanks for commenting 🙂

  • lifestyleseason

    This is an amazing post! Thank you for sharing your very useful advice!

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      Thank you! I hope it comes in handy for you 🙂

  • Amber Page

    Learning to forgive is something I have been working on, I think it is so important. Thank you for sharing this it was a great read.

    Amber – The Unpredicted Page

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      That’s great to hear! Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

  • Emily

    Ella this is so lovely, it was a beautifully written post!

    https://www.emilyclareskinner.com

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      Thank you so much, I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • This is so relatable and so beautifully written. I’m so bad at letting go of the past and bottling up my emotions, it’s something I need to work on for sure. Thank you for the tips 🙂

    • Ella
      AUTHOR

      Thank you so much! I hope you find peace with it soon 🙂

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